Back in the sort of real world...

Day #2 in Amsterdam is slightly less spacy then day #1, though I miss the quietness of Moshi terribly. Being in Africa has certainly realigned what is important to me, what matters to me. Now living and "making it" in a huge city like New York or Berlin seems completely trivial. There is certainly something nice about waking up with roosters crowing, walking down the street with goats and chickens and spending you afternoon drinking a soda and talking with friends at Mzungu bar.

I received an email from an old student today, and he told me that after spending months/years of his life working for a start up company 70-80 hours/week, he is finally realizing that there is more to life then work, and is downsizing his work week to 40 hours. Imagine that! There is more to life then work??? I myself have seen the truth in that this summer. Of course we must earn enough to live and survive, but if the days and weeks pass by unnoticed and we fail to live and cherish our lives, won't our spirit suffer untold consequences? I can answer that with a resounding YES. I feel like my spirit has been smothered and was dying a slow death ever since I started my doctorate degree in 2003 (talk about being obsessed with one's work). And now...? Let's say my attitude on career and other things is changing. I am still waiting to see where these new thoughts lead, but I am leaving my mind and spirit open to new possibility.

Culture shock is an understatement

Sorry my posts have been sparse lately. The internet connections in TZ are extremely slow, and after braving the slow, dull trudgery through gmail and blogger one too many times, I gave up on the internet all-together. Quite liberating actually!

Here I am back in Amsterdam. To state that I might have culture shock is definitely an understatement... I found myself wandering slowly through the sheets, noticing everyone's clothing. A pair of nice jeans could feed the family of one of my kids for a year.

So much has happened, some of it which cannot be put on a public blog ;=) Where to begin?

I guess I'll begin with how I feel today. My mind is awash with memories, sensations, and favorite moments. To say the past 6 weeks have been some of the greatest of my life is quite true. In those weeks I have met so many remarkable people, filled with fun, love, joy, honesty and fun. Characters in a chapter of my life that I will never forget.

The last few days of my time in Tanzania were incredibly difficult. Saying goodbye to my nboy was heartbreaking. He feels like my son, I will think of him and worry about him every day. On my last Saturday there I went to the street kids center. I wanted to let them know I was leaving, but would be back next year. When I got there, I looked specifically for Yusef, one of my favorites. We have had a special relationship since the beginning. But after my boy was diagnosed with HIV, I wasn't spending enough time with Yusef and he got very hurt and angry with me. After two days of pulling away from me, I finally sat him down and looked in his eyes, saying "mimi rafiki"(I am a friend). After a long gaze into my eyes, he finally nodded and hugged me.

When I asked about Yusef at the center on Saturday, I learned he was sick with malaria. When I went into the boys bedroom, and I was struck by how lonely and sad he looked. Malaria leaves one feeling extremely weak, lethargic, achy and feverish. And I thought back to when I was a kid, my mom would sit with me and rub my back, and there was no one in this place to rub Yusef's back. So I sat with him for the next 30 minutes, rubbing his back. At the end, I kissed him on the cheek and said "Kwahere. I go Marekani"" (Goodbye, I am going to America). He looked at me with the saddest eyes and just nodded. It was so hard for me to walk away. How many volunteers does he form a special bond with, just to have them constantly walking out of his life.

Outside, I said goodbye to all the other kids and left with my boy. We walked back to CCS, and hung out taking pictures and being goofy. He looked me in the eye and said "God bless you Julieanne". Because of me he has a chance at a better life, and a longer life. I was actually able to change someone's life for the better, and not just anyone, but a boy who I love with all my heart. I can't wait to see him next June!

My last day was pretty special, thanks to Maya and Rasheed (not sure if I have mentioned her yet, but Maya is the roommate that moved in after Sophia sadly left. Maya and I formed a great bond, and are planning to come back to Africa together next summer). RASHEED! The uniquest of human beings =) It is funny how certain moments in life surprise and delight you unexpectedly".

There are a few people I have met on this trip that I know will be in my life for a long time, and I am grateful for the opportunity to have met them.

Yes, I am sad to leave Moshi, very sad. I am exhausted yet renergized by all I have experienced these past 6 weeks. I would probably need 10 hours of non-stop writing just to recount it all.

A quickie...

Sorry for the lack of writing peeps, I know you all are very interested in my travels. I am still in Tanzania, and will be flying to Seoul, Korea on Sunday to see Kimmie! Soooo excited for this!
Friday I am taking my boy to the hospital to get his test results, T cell count, etc. This will be the last time I see him until next summer, and I am very sad for that. Saying goodbye finally will be very hard. I already said goodbye to one of my closest friends here, Dismus. If you're reading this I am thinking of you and miss you!!! You too Sophia!!! And Josh!!! And Kristin!!! And Harvey!!!
Too many goodbyes, and this Sunday will be the saddest of all.

On a happy note, I was taken on an amazing motorcycle ride today through the countryside. This was a belated present from another friend of mine, who has promised me another ride on Friday.
Can't wait!

A note on pictures: the internet is terribly slow here, dial up speed or worse! Pics will have to wait until some downtime in Korea, but fear not, I have over 1500 so far, and still another continent to go!!

Nakupenda rafiki!

A deeper side of things...

It is August 26, my birthday! I was supposed to be in Korea eating Korean BBQ on this day, but instead I am still in Tanzania. [I have edited the original post here in order to protect the privacy of individuals back in TZ. Suffice to say, many things happened during my last days in TZ, and at the last minute I decided to stay in the country to assist in whatever way I could]...

Friends, I cannot even relate to you the emotions and feelings I have endured during my time here. My "problems" are completely inconsequential compared to the struggles people here have to endure. I know I have changed immensely, and I am grateful for that, but my fear is that when I return to America I will not be the same person, the same friend, the same teacher. Life in America is so easy. After one has lived here, even for 6 weeks (as I will have), nothing in the world can ever look the same again.

Only a few days left...

Only a few days until I depart. I can hardly believe how fast the time has gone! My heart aches every time I think of leaving -- you don't know how many times I have almost changed my ticket but it is just so not practical. I would lose so much money in change fees, OR have to blow off my friend in Korea (which I definitely do not want to do), or come home at the end of September, which would mean about $2500 of lost revenue from not teaching. I am telling myself that the money I am saving will be better spent coming back here next year, when I am more well versed in Swahili and have studied the country more in depth. I want to stay with all my heart, but that $2500 is another plane ticket, so its time to be practical.

This morning in the nursery school I was holding Aziza, one of my favorites (because she is so quiet and withdrawn, I always make sure to give her a little extra love), and I burst into tears. But, since I will see a friend later I put on some makeup, so then of course there was mascara and eyeliner running down my face. One of the sewing girls cracked up laughing, and later Mama Fortunata said that she was saying, "Mzungu cries black tears!!!" We all started laughing at that one...!

Today has been pretty awesome so far. I took 5 of the sewing / vocational girls to Mwenzi Hospital (the government hospital) to get their HIV tests and all came out negative, including me! We then went out to a cafe and drank sodas and ate donuts, and then they go to skip the rest of the day of school, hahaha. Tomorrow I will give my HIV lecture to the Kilimahewa secondary school after the recess break. I won't have the opportunity to take them to Mwenzi but at least I'll give them the talk and the sewing girls can be there as a resource (i.e. it's easy!) The doctors at Mwenzi in the HIV / AIDS clinic seem very loving and caring, which is a relief.

This afternoon I will go to Msanmaria, the home for streetkids. All have been abandoned by their parents or have no parents (usually dead from HIV). Some have been forced to do horrible things to survive. The workers of this place drive around Moshi at night looking for homeless kids sleeping on the street and pick them up and take them back here. At Msanmaria they are given a safe place to live, a bed and several meals per day. Each child awaits sponsorship so they can go to school, but Msanmaria has a rather proactive campaign to raise money for these kids. They are amazing kids, so caring and protective of each other. This was a special placement for my roommate Sophia (sadly she has left and is back in Seattle), so I am going to make sure to go there every day until I leave on Saturday (I've already been several times and absolutely adore the kids).

I cannot wait to come back to Tanzania. I have made so many good friends in this country, friends that are as true and close to me in one month of living as friends that I have know for a year or more. This is such a special place, and I know I will be counting the days until I finally step off the plane in Tanzania once more. Yes there is tragedy and poverty, but the amount of love and kindness that exists in this country is exponentially more than anything I have ever experienced in my entire life.

Positively positive....

I realize some of my previous posts have been rather grim -- this is me trying to convey all of the elements here, but I must also emphatically state that not all is primitive and tragic here. I have met MANY well-educated Tanzanians who love and their country and are dedicated to the betterment of it. Within CCS, each placement has a local volunteer, a native of Tanzania (usually the Moshi/Kilimanjaro region) who volunteers at the placement to assist with translation, teaching, organization, etc. These local volunteers are not paid, they certainly could be spending these hours making money, yet each is completely dedicated to the betterment of their community and their people.

The HIV lectures have been going well. We are going around to several government schools (i.e. public schools) and giving lectures on HIV awareness: what it is, how to prevent it, and what to do if you or someone you know has it. These kids are grateful for the information, but somehowI feel we are missing the mark. What we REALLY need to do is go into the rural communities where they have NO idea what HIV/AIDS is, and belive that it is witchcraft, a curse from God, and/or nothing more than a bad flu. There are many untruths floating around Africa about HIV, often perpetuated by the medicine doctors or corrupt govenments [for example, in South Africa there is a myth told by the medicine doctors that if you have sex with a virgin you can cure yourself of AIDS, obviously leading to MANY rapes in that country].

The longer I am here the longer I want to be here. I don't have any grand illusions of saving the world or saving the continent (or this country), but I'd rather be here trying to help than not, so to that end I have committed my heart to coming back here next summer for 2-3 months. I probably won't return to Moshi -- this town is flooded with volunteers, and it is quite well off as far as Tanzania goes. I'd much rather travel in the more rural areas doing HIV awareness workshops and such, in addition to teaching. I went to Zanzibar last weekend and was absolutely blown away by the breathless beauty of the Indian Ocean. Though the coast of Zanzibar obviously is filled with resorts and touristy things, the inner part of the island is one big slum. There are two other islands off the coast of Tanzania, Mafia Island and Pemba Island. Both are extremely rural with little to call paved roads and electricity, and most of the inhabitants are illiterate, living on less than $1 a day. I would probably go to one of those islands for a portion of my stay here -- then I can live on the beach (the cost of living is incredibly cheap) while working in the interior volunteering every day. Sounds like complete heaven to me. I plan to spend the next year really studying my Swahili so I will have a much easier time communicating with the people and reaching out to them.

If anyone is interested in joining me next summer in Tanzania, I invite you with welcome arms. There is so much work to be done here, yet the country and the people are just so beautiful that the work is extremely rewarding. I'll definitely be here for 2 months, perhaps longer, so let me know if you're interested!

Tons of hugs....

Take two!

Where to begin... the reality of being in Africa is starting to settle into the volunteers, and the initial idealism / romanticism of being here is wearing off. After our placement each day we sit around dinner telling our stories, and many of them are not good. Kids are regularly hit/beaten in the government schools. The government turned off the water in the juvenile detention center to save money -- at the home for street kids they are only fed rice, and daily the kids scrape the burnt remnants from the pot because they aren't given enough food to eat. A couple of friends visited the operating room last Friday. Literally. They were not asked to scrub in or wear gowns, they were just allowed to stand there in their street clothes. The woman was having an operation on her uterus with only minimal local anesthesia (there is very little general anesthesia available in the hospitals). Wide awake and utterly terrified she began screaming -- to get her to quiet down the nurse repeatedly slapped her across the face and yelled at her. This is all done in a surgery room littered with bloodied towels from the previous operation while the woman lay on a rubber mat casually placed over a bloodied table, also from the previous operation.

I've been asked to give a series of lectures next week on HIV/AIDS. I know very little on this topic but will read up on it this week/weekend. HIV in this country is of course prevalent -- known statistics place it between 7.5 - 11% (of course the rates are much higher in the urban areas). Interestingly there are plenty of anti-retro viral drugs thanks to George Bush and his commitment to assisting the situation here in Africa (probably the only time I'll ever say something nice about W) but these drugs require that people go to the hospital monthly for treatment, and many cannot afford the bus fare. There is still a stigma of HIV but thankfully it is lessening -- I suppose by this point so many people have it to stigmatize and discriminate is to do so to your own family members / friends. However, many people still refuse to get tested, believing it is better not to know.

The social interaction of the volunteers is interesting to me. We stay in a guarded compound with an 11pm curfew and eat all our meals together. Of course the group has divided rather predictably into their own cliques. Everyone seems quite devoted to their volunteer efforts but the younger ones of course have banded together in a fraternity-like clique (19-22 years) with all of the requisite behaviors and annoying attitudes that go along with such things. There is a modicum of drama, but all in all its a good group of people. Thankfully the girls in my room are amazing, and we all get along really well.

My school is awesome! I've added to my duties teaching the nursery school as well (which, since they are ages 4-6 is really serving as kindergarten) since there are no volunteers there and they were essentially being babysat by one of the girls in the secondary school. I couldn't stand to see the way they were deteriorating so I'll jump in as much as possible. The education system in this country is deplorable. Everything is taught by rote memorization and recitation, there is absolutely no emphasis on critical thinking, problem solving, creative thought, etc... Here is an example: If you point to numbers 1-10 and ask them to count consecutively they can. But if you point to the number 3 they have absolutely no idea what it is, neither in Swahili nor English. I've been trying to teach them "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" for four days now (not the whole song, just verse one with those 8 words), and they still can barely get it. They do know a few songs, "Hokey Pokey" and "Elephant..." but they have been forced to sing these songs so many times per day that they sound like Stepford children when they recite it. They adopt this robotic, brainwashed tone that totally freaks me out. I refuse to let them sing those songs. We're actually doing better with the singing... I've got them doing the alphabet song (with the Electric company numbers song as a tag at the end), and a traditional Swahili song "Hujambo bwana" which I love. Next week I'll attempt to teach another song, probably "I've Got Peace Like a River." But these kids have been neglected for so long that they can hardly learn new concepts. Americans are obsessed with reading to their kids, Babies for Mozart, play blocks, intellectually stimulating toys, etc... These kids walk to and from school through the cornfields by themselves (at age 4), play in the dirt and rubbish pile on the side of the school, and have a different volunteer teacher standing in front of them every month. Nutrition consists of ugali (corn, flour and water) and maybe a little bit of vegetables. so you can see how their neurological development is of course stunted.

But I love them. I love hugging them (my motto is to give as many hugs as possible each day), I love tickling them and playing soccer with them, I love seeing them smile, I love holding them when they cry. I love them so much, and when I look into their eyes and know that in a month or so I am going to be back in America and they will probably be in the same shitty life situation (or worse) forever, I feel my stomach turn. So I hug them every morning before school begins and every afternoon when school ends. They hug me back so tightly, they never seem to want to let go.

I would like to return here next summer. Of course a part of me wants to volunteer in India, Thailand, Brazil, oh all those wonderful and exotic places one can volunteer and change the world while having a great vacation... But I don't want to be one of those people. I have made a connection here, I have friends, and I want to take everything I have learned this summer and return next summer so I can be a better volunteer, a more efficient volunteer, and see through on my commitment to helping the kids of this country. The cost will be much less as well -- I have connections and have already been offered a place to live, so my expenses will primarily be airfare and living. CCS was great for the first time, I have learned so much about this country and the language through them (and in honesty would probably never have made it here without them), but now that I understand how things work I'll do it on my own next time. We'll see how things progress this year...

I do love it here!! Amidst the tragedy and poverty there is a great spiritual essence. The culture, the people, the natural beauty... I went on safari last weekend and was completely overwhelmed by it. The animals!!!! I probably saw thousands of zebras, hundreds of elephants (including a herd that graciously walked just next to our car), lots of giraffes, and even a male lion eating his dinner right in front of us! God made this place and these people too, but man and especially the West has certainly helped fuck it up.

I have so much more to say, but I also have better things to do than sit in an internet cafe all afternoon. I'll probably journal my thoughts more and then transfer them to this blog later, though I promise to try to get back here next week and write more!!!

Thanks again for all your prayers and well wishes, I certainly feel them over here!!!

Salama.